Month: April 2010

Random Thoughts on a Sleepy Evening

Pick a card, any card and we shall have a subject. I object but would that be a subjective objection? Words dance and play but does meaning get lost or can we find it in the subtlest of jests? Digest, to absorb and process food, Readers digest but do writers or do we merely feed? Ā Life seems so funny, we take the meaningless so seriously yet five years from now will it matter? Can this be a turning point? I guess any moment can. We can jump out of our boxes at anytime. Will it be a turning point? The moment at which my direction will change. I stand perpetually at the crossroads encouraged to stay or go on, sometimes both at the same time…

The evening continues. The dog has been walked and each of the humans exist in our separate corners. Do I choose at random, an ideal to hold as I write or do I continue letting words bubble up?

Wow a few days ago, a friend wrote that she was trying to find a way out of the doldrums. I thought “the doldrums? yeah wouldn’t want to be there… how can I help my friend out of the doldrums. I equated it somehow with boredom, which surprisingly I rarely suffer from tho I may I fear inflict it on others šŸ˜€

I just looked up what the doldrums are. According to that venerable source of half-accurate information, Wikipedia,

“TheĀ Doldrums, also called the “equatorial calms”, is a nautical term for theĀ intertropical convergence zone, with special reference to the light and variable nature of the winds”..

Calms? Why would anyone wish to leave calm? Wouldn’t that be the zero point that so many of us search for. The emotional crossroads, if you would from which one could go anywhere? How do i find my way into those ‘doldrums’ , I wondered? Then I continued reading….

“This region is also noted for extremely calm periods when the winds disappear altogether, or are light and shifting.Ā Hurricanes originate in this region. Because of these unpredictable weather patterns, the Doldrums became notorious for trapping sailing ships for days (or even weeks) without enough wind to power their sails.”

Ah, so it is a calm that can trap you? I think of Buddha sitting for years under the Bodhi tree. Was he in a state of calm where the winds of emotion didn’t influence him? Was he in the doldrums?
Sometimes there seems to be so much going on that a time of quiet, of peace where decisions and activity don’t come at me in a constant parade might be nice….Time to reflect, to meditate, to dream, to make art, to create….
and yet….
Whenever I have been in what has been called ‘being caught in a holding pattern’ like an airplane unable to land, I have found myself less than thrilled. All I wanted at those moments were to get to a destination, to get on with the next chapter….
Continuing with the wikipedia entry:

‘In colloquial usage, “being in the doldrums” refers to being in a state of listlessness, despondency, inactivity, stagnation, or a slump, as characterised in Coleridge’s The Rime of the Ancient Mariner’

Wow. I sure like the sound of ‘equatorial calm’ more than I like ‘despondency’ and ‘stagnation’. Once again, I grow amazed how one term can seem to have so many meanings. I hear Lewis Carroll’s version of Humpty Dumpty scornfully telling me that ‘the question is which is to be Master” In this vision I may or may not be dressed like an english school girl. No, I guess, strike that, I definitely am not….
and yet…if the doldrums are truly stagnation and inactivity then doesn’t the way out seem self-evident? Do something, even more do something that will bring enjoyment. Go shopping, get laid, paint a picture, arrange flowers or work in your garden….Make it a point to meet someone new.. Explore and or adopt a new point of view that you’ve never held before…
If you truly are stuck in a hovering pattern on an airplane unable to land than build yourself an imaginary world and loose yourself in it…at least temporarily. Doing these things has always worked for me in the past…..
Lately it seems for me, that days hold too few hours, weeks hold too few days and many many things all vie for my attention… I contemplate the different god and goddess forces that lie within and without grateful to all for their influence, the sweet music of their songs, realizing that they all blend into one transcendental melody.
I realize the potential decisive turning point that each moment brings and realize that for being yet another trap….
The hour grows late and I have rambled on….
Om

Seek and You Shall…

If there has been a role in my life that I identify with more than any other, It would be that of seeker. In my teens and early adult years I sought answers. The TRUTH in big letters as if on this plane of existence , there could be A truth and not just a blind man’s take on the proverbial elephant by grabbing the wrong end. Of course to paraphrase that old movie. I couldn’t handle the truth I found. I could learn so much yet find myself a child.

Then I lost myself in the quest of sex. The infinite varieties of pleasure, many of them empty. It seemed somewhere along the way I forgot that joy had all the good stuff. Not that there is anything wrong with physical expression. It is necessary. Tho sex without connection feels empty. Still it was fun while it lasted. It still is

I then shifted my search to self. Gaining understanding by naval gazing. I was a vast subject but still mainly seen in the reflection of the other. Still also seeing others reflected in my self added even more to the picture.

Responsibility, social and other claimed me next. Marriage, Kids, Social Consciousness and activity. It feels great to help others, to fit a role, to belong but what was it I belonged to…? At times my life seemed like a strait jacket made for someone else, with the strings pulling together tighter and tighter…

The kaleidoscope shifted againg.
What do I seek now?
Awakening? Godhead? Meaning? Awareness? Enlightenment? Illumination? Nirvana? Satori? Liberation? Revolution? Evolution? Joy?
All those pretty words and awesome concepts and perhaps they all contain elements of it…or perhaps they are points along the infinite highway there….

“Now entering the highway already in progress”
–Firesign Theatre