“Children show scars like medals. Lovers use them as a secrets to reveal. A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh.”
― Leonard Cohen
His emotional wounds called to me. They were so sharp and so painful that I had to look for myself. He had never felt special enough to anyone and asked for a space in my heart. I felt that wound myself so I tried to give it to him. Then I realized that the reason I felt his wound was because I had the same one. I wanted to matter, to have weight for someone. If I mattered to but one person than I would feel more worth in myself.
Is a weight what I wanted to be to anyone tho? Something that would hold them or myself down. Far better to be a balloon, something that would lift the spirits and add buoyancy. I could only do that by healing that part that needed to matter to anyone including myself.
How do you heal a wound tho? The first step is to admit that it exists not so much as an object of aversion but as something to deal with. Then can come treatments of affirmations and healing but never denial. I catch myself with amusement when i see myself enter needy mode, not in a derisive way but in a way that acknowledges what I feel. I already ‘know’ all the whys of it. Why I needn’t feel that way and all the self-talk in the opposite direction yet I feel what I feel. Each time that is honoured but acknowledged for what it is, It becomes that much easier to do without.
One day I’ll have realized how long it has been since the last time I felt unworthy. The wound has healed leaving only the slightest of scars.
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