Death and Dying (redux)

To quote Spider Robinson, “God is an Iron”. The way Spider meant it in his brilliant funny novel Mindkiller is that if someone who commits gluttony is a glutton and someone who commits felony is a felon, then God is an iron.
Meaning that from our limited perspective, the universe works out in ironic ways. Just a few days, after writing here about how people handle change and death, I have kind of had my nose pushed into my own dealings with the subject.

Our son Zev has a wonderful grandmother. Biologically there is no relationship but she raised Zev from the time he came home from the hospital (at about 3 months old due to how premature he was) to when we adopted him at 3 yrs of age. In those days, Zev was tiny (when he was born he weighed about 1 lb and was probably about new born kitten size) and for the first two years it was touch and go whether he was going to make it and the fact that he did and is now alive and healthy is due in no small part to her
Carolynne Brown is an amazing woman, She has raised 3 of her own children, a few grandchildren, and over the years at least 25 foster kids. She adopted a girl (now a young woman) with severe mental and physical delays and has lovingly raised her. Her daughter Misty was Zev’s first babysitter, Misty, 32 with a 16 yr old daughter and 1 yr old son babysat Zev from the time he was 2 and then babysat him for us until he was about 5 on the few nights we got out.
Misty was Zev’s first play group teacher during the summer when he was 3. Today, as we came to pick up Zev from a night at his grandmother’s, Carolynne got a knock on the door from the Vancouver Police Department. Misty was dead.
I’m not sure of the circumstances. I suppose it doesn’t matter. I sent her light. I sent her gratitude. Carolynne is one of the strongest woman I know. With a house of kids, (4 of them between the ages of 1 and 5) Carolynne, shaken, started dealing with what she had to do. Refusing any help, just asking that we not say anything. We left, tho telling her that anything we could do, just let us know.
I think of Misty’s two childen, and all the other kids in the house, whom all adored Misty and they are in my prayers and dreams.
I have no idea what we are going to say to Zev. A few years back, a dog that Zev knew passed away. I learned something then. Kids latch on to death and morbid things, and try to figure them out. Hey so do we.
I am not afraid of dying myself. Physical death is part of how the universe works. I’m just not sure how to explain this to Zev. It will be tough. There will be tears and we will be present. I will answer his questions as best as i can and try to help him know that he is not alone. That feeling loss and grief when someone passes is normal and just love him. In the end what can you do. R.I.P. Misty.

Tuning

Yesterday, I went with my friend Margie on a nature hike in North Vancouver. It was beautiful, forest land, a river that at various times either roared or babbled depending on where we were. The sun played hide and seek with clouds to that no area was lit the same for very long.
It was funny, Walking out there, I felt almost as if my spirit was tuning itself to the universe. Just like I tune a guitar, I found different things would come up, my focus would be readjusted and things would just feel..right.
By the end of the hike, I felt more in Harmony, attuned with nature.
Then as it often does, my mind started rambling…
Tuning, Attuning, A-tone-ing….
Yes, fitting in with the universe around me, my soul echoing its own unique tone, just one among the infinite, at one with it all
at-one-ment
atonement
Day of Atonement — Yom Kippur — the day in the jewish calendar where every sin that has been or may have been committed by us in the last year is apologized for and (theoretically) dealt with,
One of my favorite writers, Spider Robinson, in several of his stories talks about that if telepathic communication is possible then first we have to get rid of all the shit in the communication room. Another way of becoming at-one with others. Or is it the same way?

Video(s) of the Day-Century Plant

One of my favorite songs that I’ve heard in the last year or two. In Stereo–One with Victoria Williams, who wrote the song. The Other from the movie Camp.

What? Now? What now?

Video of the day

So i did it!!! It was a lot of fun too. I might go on to make some others. Partially I feel like i put on the red shoes…and want to see what else i can do…Part of me feels like the most inexperienced musician jamming in a big band.
Funny thing is…what now. This has felt like a pretty big week of self-development. Now its on to the next step whatever that may be.

Ripples

There is a cliche that the only thing constant in the universe is change. Like most, that has become cliche because it is largely true.
People get so freaked out about change. They try to tie themselves to whatever they consider the most stable thing around just to avoid getting tossed by the winds of change. If the universe is constantly in a state of flux, than is change a thing to be feared?
In the tarot, change is represented mainly by the 13th card in the major arcana Death. In the Rider-Waite deck, Death is shown as a skeleton in black armor on a white horse. A businessman and a king lay in the road trampled by Death. A Bishop stands next in the way, trying to keep Death away by prayer. It appears that he is the next to fall. A maiden with a ring of flowers in her hair kneels in Death’s path offering herself but with her head turned away in denial of her offer. A change comes our way do we cling to the status quo (like the businessmen and the king only to be trampled), Do we welcome it half-heartedly, only to have to process it later or do we welcome all, change and stability with open acceptance (the child)?
A lot of people seem to be either eagerly awaiting the upcoming cycle change in 2012 or fearing what it will bring. I don’t know (my favorite words) but it feels like we have been in the midst of major change for a long time now. I wonder whether the cycle change isn’t some really large event that will happen but a small event that ripples out like a stone that lands in the middle of a brook.

Awake?

What does it mean to wake up? “I was asleep but I’m awake now” “Wake up! You’ll be late for / will miss/ are missing something.

Lately after what seems a far too long period of sleepwalking through my life, ignoring half of the things i know, keeping things as surface as possible, lost in the mundane, possibly working on my root stuff, i feel like I have awaken. There is definitely a new balance in the air. I am becoming aware of things that i have known but forgotten and perhaps things that I have never realized before. It is quite a trip.

Who am I?  Whoever the voice in your head says that I am. It might surprise both of us.

Books being read: Tarot for Writers by Kenner; In the Earth Abides the Flame by Russell Kirkpatrick

I seek to go where i haven’t before–to gain new stories to amuse myself and others. I wish to reflect and be reflected–to learn to teach–to exist-to entertain and to grow in love and the capacity to love but things happen when they are ready and i will not force the issue. 🙂 Walk with me, visit and we’ll share.

Video of the day — Nina Simone-Feelings (Montreux Jazz Festival)

This is intense but rather amazing.

The Empress

“Through her door i came upon her
and through her door the world appeared
Creation in all its glory
wheat, and fruit, swans filled the air
She led me through her magick kingdom
wheat grew high, and flowers bloomed
the river breeze caressed us
i tried to think but couldn’t care
for all i saw i loved and wanted
all i needed reached for me
the stars in her hair blinded me
and the moon laid at her feet
She held me until the morning
oh magic night lost to her love
and gained, expression imagination
fruitful creativity”

The Magician

Last night i focused on the magician card in the tarot. Funny, would have expected Merlin and Gandalf instead found myself standing in the magicians spot channeling energy and feeling myself blocked at first and later more successful. The only frustrating thing was that i was hoping to ask for some direction only to find that the direction needs to come from myself. *sigh*

Surfing the Schrodinger Wave

I am but am not

I hang five on the wave that never collapses

The uncertainty doesn’t bother me

The paradox can be paradoctored

It is I that decide

Ignoring the ten doors that lead to 10 kingdoms

I seek beyond the veil

facing the nightmares that make me i

until i find the not i through which the world changes.

Only if it matters not where i go or whether i go

can i continue

for if it matters then the matter contains me

and it is my will not to be contained.

Game For Friends

Each person should write down (or think of) 5-10 questions. The type that keep you awake pondering at 3 Am in the morning. The questions can be personal or philosophical. (ie “What should I do in this situation?” or “What is my purpose?”)

Then each person in turn pretends to be the personification of a higher being (according to their own belief system), such as an angel or a an alien from an advanced civilization. This person should listen to the questions that the other person (people) have written down and answer them with the first thing that comes to her/his mind.

Prepare to have some mind-blowing results.

Reflections–Then & Now

Who am I?
I ask the face in the mirror
What do you think about?
What makes you tick?
I can ask these questions all day
yet never get an answer
from the silent reflection
that lies within
I plead and I beg
Still the mirror never tells me
the things i need to know
I’ve lost touch with myself
over the years
I’ve built up defenses
so that i can not be hurt
especially from within
and so have become a hollow shell
Having run out of tears long ago
I cannot cry for anyone
not even myself
so cry for me someone
…please

–Gary Rosenberg 17

Welcome old friend
I greet my reflection
and thank you for joining me today
There’s no answer
but by his smile
i know its ok
and the greeting from my oldest friend is heartfelt
For a long while I thought we had lost touch
that i was but a shell
and he but an uncaring trick of the light
Little did i know that it was a cocoon
that would soon emerge
able to do, able to be, able to love and be loved
a sublime intricate moth
even if no butterfly
Who knew the old caterpillar had me inside.
If i could send him just one message
that caterpillar, so bitter, afraid and alone
through the ever patient reflection
that we have shared through time
“It gets better”

—Gary Rosenberg, 47

The Universe Lies Within