“At midnight I had always been metamorphosed into a solitary, estranged wanderer.”
— Anaïs Nin
At midnight the mask comes off and I stand so naked that I am unseen. Unseen by the expectations of the day people I can be more truly myself and get lost in my shadows for hours with no fear of expectation. The freedom is welcomed even if it is a solitary pursuit for any companion in my wanderings will project a mask on even the most naked of faces comprised of who they have known me to be and even more odious who they wished me to be that I were not. In the morning world, I wake to my day life and the layers and layers of motley and machier form upon me but the night’s wind never wholly disappears.
“Invisible connection is stronger than visible. To arrive at the basic structure of things we must go into their darkness.”
I reach out to your touch
something unspoken pulls back
Your touch caresses
my back as I rub your feet
Connection is made
Something inside me
pulls away from your embrace
connection is lost
I touch inner wounds
with my own scarred memories
Connection is real
— G A Rosenberg
So many of us hide our shadows and our scars not only from others but ourselves as well. We put on our game faces even with those we love and keep so much buried. What happens then is a connection of masks and many judge the strength of their relationship on how well their personas interrelate without ever going deeper. Since many of us change our personas over the years as life happens, the relationships fall apart because neither one has met the true being of the other. It is only by delving deeper and making ourselves vulnerable that true inner connection can happen even if that means showing the less savoury parts of ourselves. You can always tell when that happens between people as it results in healing and self-knowledge rather than a feeling of holding a telephone to one’s ear long after the other person has hung up their line.
“I’ve tried to become someone else for a while, only to discover that he, too, was me.”
― Stephen Dunn
So many people live within me. Every aspect that has surfaced so far I’ve explored in the quest for greater self-knowledge. When contradictions exist I either hold them or resolve thin since it has become evident that one can hold two conflicting ideas and ideals at once. Yet every shadow has been a different reflection of the totality. It’s not so much disassociation as building a community of myself that interacts with the community that is each of you. We all contain multitudes. We are a dutiful or rebellious child, a parent, a friend and possibly several different kinds of friend. We are seekers of understanding and magicians looking to affect our universe. We are co-workers and creators. We are idealists and cynics and sometimes we must blend each of these or all of these in different combinations. We may enjoy all these different facets of our existence, never losing sight that they are but parts of a whole that we come to know more and more.
Click on images to see full-sized:
Shadow Dreamscape by G A Rosenberg
Starlight Over a Layered Existence by G A Rosenberg
“Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is.”
― William James
So as I type this, are there two people here, who i am and who i perceive myself to be (that in itself may be multiple as how I see myself tends to change) or are there even more. one or more of me for each one reading this? What do we have in common? If I have integrity then perhaps my selves do not vary that much yet I believe we see things and others as we are not as they are therefore I partake at least by proxy and become at least a bit all of you. Of course then if the act of being observed changes the subject of observation than I become altered by your view of me. Interaction used to seem a lot simpler =)
Yet I can’t control how you see me or even how i see myself, ego and emotions being what they are so therefore I shall have to focus on being myself as clearly and as focused as I can. After all are you not all as I perceive you to be?