“If one wants to be active, one must not be afraid of going wrong, one must not be afraid of making mistakes now and then. Many people think that they will become good just by doing no harm — but that’s a lie…. That way lies stagnation, mediocrity.”
Vincent Van Gogh
And now for something at least slightly different….
Journey Down the Dream Corridor… a story fragment in early draft
In my dream I was standing when I heard a voice, I was uncertain of the gender but it was soft and mellow
“Have you forgiven yourself yet?
I started walking or at least moving like I do in dreams and walked into the next room
A woman was there, unfamiliar and yet known. Heavy set yet short with a face framed by brown hair, looking old fashioned but sweet with eyes that shone like they used to maybe with a touch more weariness
“Rosante?” I asked
“Yes, its been awhile.”
“It’s been thirty-two years since Jan forbade me from seeing you again. Because i…”
“Because you told me you knew about me and Jan. That he would touch me and ask me to touch him. I’ve never seen him so angry and I never felt so shattered. Or maybe so free.”
“He was my best friend”
“He was my brother and my lover. He was also yours”
“No, well only the two times” I laughed tho its the kind of laugh that scrapes glass across your inside.
“You wanted more.” She said softy not accusingly and took my hand. “I knew you didn’t want me for myself but for what I represented. A way to be closer to him”
“No.” i shook my head “That’s not true”. Tho I knew it was.. I felt my surroundings start to spin
“It’s ok. I moved on, got some therapy got myself together. You were kind to me. I forgave you long ago.”She moved over to a window I hadn’t noticed before.
“The question is have you forgiven yourself”
I thought I had. I had long ago reconciled with the loss of friendship not only of Jan but of Rose as well. I had felt guilty about that bit of innocence, my spoken knowledge and Jan’s anger had ripped from her but I had always thought that it was her that I wanted for herself. Could it have been all about Jan. He had been my first teacher in the realm of magic, spirituality, qabalah and Castaneda. He seduced me, saying he sensed that element in my nature. We had been roommates for a few years and occasionally double dated girls whom Jan worked with at the mall.
Then he introduced me to Rose and told me the story of the sister whom he comforted and held through the tyranny of their mother’s second marriage. The sister whom he took advantage of, describing to me all the times he had disrobed her of the negligees that he bought for her. I met her and fell hard or so I thought. Could it have realy been all about Jan?
Still it had been so long ago. It taught me discretion and that sometimes it is better to not say what you know just because you have shared knowledge with another. I kept tabs for awhile. I found that Rose had started to date Jack, another friend and student of Jan’s so I figured in the long run no permanent damage was done.
Now I realized that I had wanted Rose not for herself but as an object of affection I knew what that felt like . I looked at Rose. “Yes..”
“Goodbye then,” she started fading and where she had been standing was a new door partly ajar
I heard the question again as I reached for the doorknob.
“Have you forgiven yourself?”
There will be more to the story as the Dream Corridor has many rooms and forgiveness and redemption an ongoing process.
Blessings, G
Click on image to see full size
Inside the Dragon’s Mouth by G A Rosenberg
Funhouse Corridor in Chapel Perilous by G A Rosenberg
Telling the Tale of the New Day by G A Rosenberg
