To quote Spider Robinson, “God is an Iron”. The way Spider meant it in his brilliant funny novel Mindkiller is that if someone who commits gluttony is a glutton and someone who commits felony is a felon, then God is an iron.
Meaning that from our limited perspective, the universe works out in ironic ways. Just a few days, after writing here about how people handle change and death, I have kind of had my nose pushed into my own dealings with the subject.
Our son Zev has a wonderful grandmother. Biologically there is no relationship but she raised Zev from the time he came home from the hospital (at about 3 months old due to how premature he was) to when we adopted him at 3 yrs of age. In those days, Zev was tiny (when he was born he weighed about 1 lb and was probably about new born kitten size) and for the first two years it was touch and go whether he was going to make it and the fact that he did and is now alive and healthy is due in no small part to her
Carolynne Brown is an amazing woman, She has raised 3 of her own children, a few grandchildren, and over the years at least 25 foster kids. She adopted a girl (now a young woman) with severe mental and physical delays and has lovingly raised her. Her daughter Misty was Zev’s first babysitter, Misty, 32 with a 16 yr old daughter and 1 yr old son babysat Zev from the time he was 2 and then babysat him for us until he was about 5 on the few nights we got out.
Misty was Zev’s first play group teacher during the summer when he was 3. Today, as we came to pick up Zev from a night at his grandmother’s, Carolynne got a knock on the door from the Vancouver Police Department. Misty was dead.
I’m not sure of the circumstances. I suppose it doesn’t matter. I sent her light. I sent her gratitude. Carolynne is one of the strongest woman I know. With a house of kids, (4 of them between the ages of 1 and 5) Carolynne, shaken, started dealing with what she had to do. Refusing any help, just asking that we not say anything. We left, tho telling her that anything we could do, just let us know.
I think of Misty’s two childen, and all the other kids in the house, whom all adored Misty and they are in my prayers and dreams.
I have no idea what we are going to say to Zev. A few years back, a dog that Zev knew passed away. I learned something then. Kids latch on to death and morbid things, and try to figure them out. Hey so do we.
I am not afraid of dying myself. Physical death is part of how the universe works. I’m just not sure how to explain this to Zev. It will be tough. There will be tears and we will be present. I will answer his questions as best as i can and try to help him know that he is not alone. That feeling loss and grief when someone passes is normal and just love him. In the end what can you do. R.I.P. Misty.