“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”
― Jim Morrison
Earlier today, I was challenged by a friend who remarked that I never talk about my own fears and that I stay emotionally safe and comfortable in most of my entries here. At first I reacted the way I normally react when challenged. “I don’t have time for this crap right now.” I didn’t send that reply because I have come to realize when I have that response, it normally means that something has hit home and I need to look at it. When I did a realization started dawning and I realized that I have a fear of expressing and probing some of my deeper emotions and what a block it has been.
When I was younger I used to lash out at people and I was intuitive enough to hone in on just what would cause them the most pain.. and would use it on them. It cost me friendships and hurt my relationships with my family… Very few people want to examine their pain. I learned all kinds of neat ways of avoiding feeling things as deeply because i couldn’t handle hurting people. I’ve learned other ways of distancing even while pretending to draw closer so that i don’t have to feel the intensity of their emotions as well.
Most of my closest relationships have been with people who have reinforced this emotional denial mostly by reacting strongly when they sensed disapproval or disagreement from me. It became easier to mask the emotion rather than express it.
In the past years, I have become a lot more open and expressive. If Pandora’s box hasn’t been thrown open, the lid has been raised and I’ve been looking deeper into it. I have found that I can express myself in a way that’s both open, realizing another’s weakness but healing, expressing it in a way that can be resolved. The journey continues.
Blessings, G
“My own heroes are the dreamers, those men and women who tried to make the world a better place than when they found it, whether in small ways or great ones. Some succeeded, some failed, most had mixed results… but it is the effort that’s heroic, as I see it. Win or lose, I admire those who fight the good fight.”
― George R.R. Martin
Heroes are willing to make a stand and risk it all to make something beyond them better. Perhaps they push a child out of the way of a moving vehicle. Perhaps they are firefighters who rush into a burning building because they hear a dog barking or perhaps they have learned that either the company they work for or the country they grew up believing in has been doing some rather horrible things like monitoring its citizens illegally when the country’s very foundations are based on freedom or perhaps performing illegal activities in other countries and then lying to its citizenry about it. The country in question then turns around and calls these people traitors for exposing this illegal activity. It’s good to know that heroes still exist. Tho a bit unsettling to see that villains do as well.
Blessings, G
She looked right through me
Could any please her sharp gaze?
When would sad eyes shine?
I first saw her
seated on her throne
clothed only in starlight
Lured by a beauty
that can only be experienced
I approached
At that moment
not only did I loose my heart to her service
but everything until then I
believed myself to be
Nothing did I hold back
and nothing did she leave me
as with the sword of her regard
she began to slice
everything false in my existence
As I dissolve
I cry out
in exquisite being / not
spiritual discorporation.
With her I remain
and continue on…
— G A Rosenberg
The suit of Swords represents thought, ideas, plans and conflicts.Queens are the receptive and nurturing form of the energy. The Queen of Swords combines pain and the wisdom that results from it. She has faced the conflicts and heartaches that life has had to offer and come through it with understanding. She is cutting and she does not suffer fools gladly. She gives very good advice borne out of both experience and a keen perception that pierces through the smoke screens that others have thrown up. The Queen of Swords is also very much her own person. She has little fear of standing out in a crowd and anyone who dares criticize will find themselves quickly cut down by the sharpness of her tongue. Despite her somewhat sarcastic wit, there is a usually a graciousness about the Queen of Swords as if yes she sees our drawbacks but knows what it is to overcome them as well. Only at her worst does the Queen of Swords lose this forbearance and understanding and descend to bitterness.
Astrological Correspondence: 21° Virgo – 20° Libra Elemental: Water of Air – Virgo’s practicality and awareness and Libra’s love of beauty combine to give this individual a strong sense of appreciation of the aesthetic. They are able to perceive what is worthwhile in everybody and go out of their way to elicit it. They are very helpful and self aware to a fault and find themselves wounded often when either their regard is not returned or when their humour and help are unappreciated. These individuals tend to be very charismatic and attractive tho they tend to take on the problems of others way too easily and may take life too seriously a good deal of the time.
I Ching Correspondence: 28) Ta Kao – Preponderance of the Great –
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The Trigram of the Lake is over that of Wood – This hexagram talks about times when things feel out of balance and we must stand apart from the world and recommends the attitudes to have during these times. The Tree (Wood) stands tall even when it is solitary and the lake stands in joyous (another name for the trigram Tui is joyousness) reflection whether there is someone to enjoy it or not. Likewise when we feel that the world has become too much for us, we need to contain both that steadfastness and belief in ourselves as well as the inner joyousness of the lake. How much better it is to realize our need for solitude and to embody those qualities rather than having to retreat depressed and bitter?
When the Queen of Swords shows up in a reading, it might mean that it is time for us to express what we see in an honest and clear fashion rather than beating around the bush. It may also refer to someone in our environment who is that blunt and forthright. She (or he) may seem unfeeling but in reality she sees that we have been sugarcoating things for way too long. Indeed not only does she feel but she feels deeply and this has given her the insight to see into the heart of the matter. The Queen of Swords knows what its like to be hurt and to come through it healed but scarred. What have we learned from our wounds? How have we come through them?
The Queen of Swords may also either a need to withdraw emotionally from the situation or someone who is doing so in our environment.
The Queen of Swords reversed can be someone who has been hurt by life and is very very bitter. She (or he) may tear down everything in their environment because they wish the world to feel the pain that they are feeling. Alternatively they may carry it all inside and poison themselves from the inside (this often expresses as many different degenerative illnesses). This card can also represent someone who is overwhelmed by past sorrow and can not bring themselves to enjoy the present moment.
“I asked the Zebra,
are you black with white stripes?
Or white with black stripes?
And the zebra asked me,
Are you good with bad habits?
Or are you bad with good habits?
Are you noisy with quiet times?
Or are you quiet with noisy times?
Are you happy with some sad days?
Or are you sad with some happy days?
Are you neat with some sloppy ways?
Or are you sloppy with some neat ways?
And on and on and on and on and on and on he went.
I’ll never ask a zebra about stripes…again.”
― Shel Silverstein
One thing that most map makers will tell you is that they dislike having blank areas on their maps. Areas where its not quite mountain or prairie, dessert or ocean but some undefined combination of one or more. It was easy a millennium or so back. If there was an undefined place on the map and intrepid explorers not yet found to explore it, the mapmakers would simply put “Here be Dragons” and that was enough for most people. There seemed very few people willing to prove them wrong. If not dragons than just about anything can be put down. It helps if its something that’s slightly intimidating.
We see that a bit now with psychiatrists and therapists mapping their patients’ heads. They too seem to share a dislike of undefined and paradoxical areas. Dragons don’t seem to hold the terror that they did so long ago so now these cranial mapmakers have a new set of mythological creatures, equally guaranteed to cause terror and reluctance to explore further. They call these designations. They use mysterious acronyms like ADHD or PTSD or anyone of several others to define them and then treat them with drugs that make the designations meaningless as those taking them tend to become a lot less interesting to map as their behaviours become if not more animated, more socially acceptable. Whenever these drugs seem to stop working or cause unexpected behaviours, new drugs are tried. No new mapping is done, after all the area in question has been mapped off already, we ‘know’ there are dragons there. It just becomes a matter of treating them. It becomes a matter of finding the right drugs to shut off the behaviours rather than mapping what’s causing them in the first place.
Yesterday we talked about paradox. Today about areas that are less than defined. Both cases where there is not a simple one to one correspondence between map and territory. Both solved with quick fixes. Ultimately both seem to have a lot in common with that story of the Emperor’s New Clothes.
Blessings, G
“Your problem is you are too busy holding on to your unworthiness.”
― Ram Dass
For too long I considered myself unworthy. I felt I was unworthy of the family I was born into. I felt I was unworthy of the intelligence I had and the job I had. I have been given so much without putting that much effort into it that it was easy to feel that way. Some people may see that as a goad to do more, be more, become more. I found it to be a weight that all too nearly collapsed me. My drive wasn’t to accomplish, my drive was to understand. I wanted to learn more and not so much academic subjects. I chafed at that during my years at University all too much and found that I was missing my classes to help friends with theirs that I considered more interesting at the time. In my mathematics and computer courses I was more results driven than method driven which frustrated the teacher’s and ultimately added to my feelings of unworthiness. Each prescribed path I tried turned out to be another round hole to fit my square edges into. I kept looking to find an authority, some one who would tell me how to do it only to realize that I was ultimately looking for another authority to rebel against. Also another chance to prove to myself my own unworthiness.
At some point that changed. I stopped trying to follow any path but my own. On our own path, nobody is unworthy. By following my own path I could show others how to do the same. By following my own path, I have come to realize that the only person who could possibly say whether or not the things I’ve done hold value is myself. If I can live my life and communicate to others that that is our main goal in life, to live it and follow wherever our path leads than worthiness stops being a question. On my own path there is only worthiness.
Blessings, G
Sometimes of late in my art and on this blog I operate a kind of cyber Moulin Rouge, where my different aspects, come on stage and perform a strip tease, exposing themselves…Some of the deepest strangest aspects have yet to emerge and some of the brightest as well.
Sandbars at low tide
Summers spent in innocence
We drank of life’s joy
Inspired to dream
by a child’s questions
quite unexpected
my eyes opened to wonder
by innocence
my staid adulthood tamed
to submission
by wide eyes
and guileless charm
as answers fell into place
around me.
Private thoughts that made me smile
as to the senselessness of all
now came crystal clear
as I realized the joke was on me
All day our talk continued
histories shared,
revelations
Now the child is gone
returned
and my life begun anew..
— GAR
The suite of Cups deal with our emotional nature including love, both that as in a relationship between two (and rarely more) people and that of friends and companions.Pages (or Princesses as they are called in many decks) represent the grounding or emergence of the energy involve. Water is the medium for crystallization. When enough of a substance is combined with water it crystallizes and a new substance is born. The questions that come from an innocent mind can often form new realizations in even the most jaded of hearts.
The Page of Cups has many of the best qualities we associate with childhood. He or She is open-hearted and imaginative, sympathetic, seeking to understand and learn. Often they exhibit psychic abilities and can be very dreamlike. The archetype that springs immediately to mind is The Little Prince in Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s book of the same name. There is much inspiration and realizations sparked by the questions and play of our inner child if we were to listen.
I Ching Correspondence – 41) Sun – Decrease
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The trigram for the Mountain is over that of the Lake. As the lake evaporates, its moisture enlivens the mountains. Our childhood dreams and imagination spurs us on to the adults that we become. If we can hold on to that spark of open-heartedness then it can continue to inspire us no matter what period we have reached in our lives. At times we may need to dissolve some of the misconceptions that have arisen along the way and dip back into this pool of dreams in order to build anew.
This hexagram reminds us that everything comes in its time but to balance out both our inner needs and our outer experience. Just as the lake nourishes the mountain, the mountain also sustains the lake. To continue expanding as a person without stagnation, it benefits us to sustain our inner child.
When the Page of Cups is seen in a reading, it often tells us that we need to access the child within and to take time out to dream and play. It may also be telling us that we need to rely on our intuition and what’s more to trust it. The card may also be suggesting that it is time to gain a greater spiritual understanding either within the system we followed when we were younger or in a new direction that will re-spark our inner life. The Page of Cups may refer to a child coming into our lives who will reawaken our sense of wonder.
The Page of Cups reversed in a reading may refer to a time when we have let ourselves play a little too much. Perhaps we have confused our inner and outer realities and have caused discomfort to ourselves and others. We may be acting impulsively and ignoring some of the consequences of our actions. The card may also refer to either ourselves or someone around us becoming disturbed by psychic flashes or visions that they are having. It indicates that it is a good time for a reality check.
“It was the straying that found the path direct.”
–Austin Osman Spare
Certain themes seem to keep coming up for me. One of them is definitely the idea that one’s path is unique and that whenever we are following a defined (whether religious, social, political or philosophical ) road that others have set before us, it is not that we are following that path as much as that path has temporarily become part of our own. It may seem a minor distinction but it is a crucial one. By Temporarily, it can be years but even in a case where we have joined a monastic order, we will not hold exactly the same beliefs or interpretations of that belief as any other person there. Nor will we be coming to it with exactly the same background so even then our path is a unique one. Often the farther we stray from any GIVEN path, the more we find our own.
Blessings, G
“I finally figured out that I’m solitary by nature, but at the same time I know so many people; so many people think they own a piece of me. They shift and move under my skin, like a parade of memories that simply won’t go away. It doesn’t matter where I am, or how alone–I always have such a crowded head.”
― Charles de Lint
At times I feel like a combination of memories and people I know. Their voices and beings rolling around inside of me. They are all myself, as Walt Whitman said “I am large. I contain multitudes” and we all do. Sometimes I believe that we draw people into our lives who express all the different aspects of our being. We can even see which aspects we’ve neglected by the type of people we are currently encountering and how we feel towards them. In my experience, the people who get to me are those who exhibit aspects of myself that I have yet to reconcile. Behaviour that I’ve either balanced or haven’t needed to I can pretty much shrug off. In this way, people who irritate or infuriate me often become my most appreciated teachers as they point the way to those parts of myself I don’t want to face.
Blessings, G
Trappings of Love by G A Rosenberg
