Inner Dialog

You don’t make me wish for things I cannot have
No, you are far crueler than that
You make me wish for what I can
if I am willing to sacrifice
All that’s asked is surrender
of what no longer thrives
An excruciating choice

I have been here before
The choices at hand, familiar ones.
Time after time, I have awakened
and time after time, I’ve chosen….
That would be telling

These days, my lifestyle fits me
like a boxing glove fits a penguin

I have been given the gift of new eyes
and with them I see… Wonder
godhead expresses in all things
ever present love fills me glowing
Tuning in I understand
and can reach out to others
conveying inner landscapes
in ways never conceived before..

At the end did Pippin
make the right choice?
What does a right choice look like?
Who do I fool?
Correct choices can feel like the morning after a storm
Devastation has occurred
now recovery can happen

Random Thoughts on a Sleepy Evening

Pick a card, any card and we shall have a subject. I object but would that be a subjective objection? Words dance and play but does meaning get lost or can we find it in the subtlest of jests? Digest, to absorb and process food, Readers digest but do writers or do we merely feed? ¬†Life seems so funny, we take the meaningless so seriously yet five years from now will it matter? Can this be a turning point? I guess any moment can. We can jump out of our boxes at anytime. Will it be a turning point? The moment at which my direction will change. I stand perpetually at the crossroads encouraged to stay or go on, sometimes both at the same time…

The evening continues. The dog has been walked and each of the humans exist in our separate corners. Do I choose at random, an ideal to hold as I write or do I continue letting words bubble up?

Wow a few days ago, a friend wrote that she was trying to find a way out of the doldrums. I thought “the doldrums? yeah wouldn’t want to be there… how can I help my friend out of the doldrums. I equated it somehow with boredom, which surprisingly I rarely suffer from tho I may I fear inflict it on others ūüėÄ

I just looked up what the doldrums are. According to that venerable source of half-accurate information, Wikipedia,

“The¬†Doldrums, also called the “equatorial calms”, is a nautical term for the¬†intertropical convergence zone, with special reference to the light and variable nature of the winds”..

Calms? Why would anyone wish to leave calm? Wouldn’t that be the zero point that so many of us search for. The emotional crossroads, if you would from which one could go anywhere? How do i find my way into those ‘doldrums’ , I wondered? Then I continued reading….

“This region is also noted for extremely calm periods when the winds disappear altogether, or are light and shifting.¬†Hurricanes originate in this region. Because of these unpredictable weather patterns, the Doldrums became notorious for trapping sailing ships for days (or even weeks) without enough wind to power their sails.”

Ah, so it is a calm that can trap you? I think of Buddha sitting for years under the Bodhi tree. Was he in a state of calm where the winds of emotion didn’t influence him? Was he in the doldrums?
Sometimes there seems to be so much going on that a time of quiet, of peace where decisions and activity don’t come at me in a constant parade might be nice….Time to reflect, to meditate, to dream, to make art, to create….
and yet….
Whenever I have been in what has been called ‘being caught in a holding pattern’ like an airplane unable to land, I have found myself less than thrilled. All I wanted at those moments were to get to a destination, to get on with the next chapter….
Continuing with the wikipedia entry:

‘In colloquial usage, “being in the doldrums” refers to being in a state of listlessness, despondency, inactivity, stagnation, or a slump, as characterised in Coleridge’s The Rime of the Ancient Mariner’

Wow. I sure like the sound of ‘equatorial calm’ more than I like ‘despondency’ and ‘stagnation’. Once again, I grow amazed how one term can seem to have so many meanings. I hear Lewis Carroll’s version of Humpty Dumpty scornfully telling me that ‘the question is which is to be Master” In this vision I may or may not be dressed like an english school girl. No, I guess, strike that, I definitely am not….
and yet…if the doldrums are truly stagnation and inactivity then doesn’t the way out seem self-evident? Do something, even more do something that will bring enjoyment. Go shopping, get laid, paint a picture, arrange flowers or work in your garden….Make it a point to meet someone new.. Explore and or adopt a new point of view that you’ve never held before…
If you truly are stuck in a hovering pattern on an airplane unable to land than build yourself an imaginary world and loose yourself in it…at least temporarily. Doing these things has always worked for me in the past…..
Lately it seems for me, that days hold too few hours, weeks hold too few days and many many things all vie for my attention… I contemplate the different god and goddess forces that lie within and without grateful to all for their influence, the sweet music of their songs, realizing that they all blend into one transcendental melody.
I realize the potential decisive turning point that each moment brings and realize that for being yet another trap….
The hour grows late and I have rambled on….

Tarot Card of the Day – March 03 2010

Two of Swords

Chokmah in Air

Moon¬†(‚ėĺ)¬†in Libra¬†(♎)

The Wisdom of Not Choosing

Resolve not to resolve
I know the choices exist
yet choose not to look
lest I come to favour one
and thus negate the other

Within me, I contain universes
They exist in complicit balance
If I strive to want, to hold, to prefer
they pop like bubbles
leaving only that chosen.
Thus the box opens and one more
corpsified feline laid at my feet

Hamlet died by choices made
and choosing I disdain.


Much thought on choices lately. Not that a choice in itself can be determined to be positive or negative but once you choose the othesr with all their potentials become negated.
In Quantum Physics, you have the thought-experiment known as Schrodinger’s Cat. A cat is put into a box. The box contains a poison capsule that desolves when a radioactive particle decays. Without opening the box it is impossible to determine whether or not this has happened yet, Theoretically the cat is both alive or dead until the box is opened. This can theoretically apply to every choice we make. Two or more realities exist for every choice that we make, how many realities are destroyed on foolish whim? (LOL)

Two of Swords from Bohemian-Gothic Tarot

I Ching Hexagram 11: T’ai “Peace”

____ ____
____ ____
____ ____

To Be Continued

Tarot Card of the Day – Feb 28 2010

III of Pentacles

Binah in Earth
Mars¬†(♂)¬†in Capricorn¬†(♑)


The ever present question:
—¬†What do you do?
— Well, right now I’m breathing.
No, What do you do for work, I mean?
— Oh, well I write some, I do some photo collage work, I make videos
You make money doing that stuff?
— Not a lot but its what I do
What do you do for money?
–Spend it mainly. Every so often I try to give it a good home
Wise ass! No, I mean what do you do to make money (and don’t even say anything about no printing press, you do know what I mean
–Oh Ok, I say placatingly. I raise foster kids with disabilities, I also teach computer skills on the side. Family money augments the rest.
Ah, why didn’t you say so? He thinks he has me all figured out now.
–You didn’t ask
Yeah I did
— No you asked me what I did for work. I guess the real answer to that would be that I try to understand. I try to figure out the universe and how I’m connected to it and what it means. What is it that connects me with everything else and what part of me connects to it? ¬†In other words, I do myself.
You do yourself?
–Yes I seem to be a work in progress…

III of Pentacles from Morgan-Greer Deck

I Ching 13: Tung Jen (Community or Fellowship with Men
____ ____

Above: ¬†Ch’ien (The creative Heaven)
Below: Li (Fire, Clinging)
It is natural for fire to flame up to heaven thus the idea of community (think tribes sitting around the ascending fire, telling tales). It takes the passive 2nd line that ties it all together. There is a need for a yielding member with clarity among the dominants to hold the community together.
In a community, each must work (persist) towards the needs of the community as a whole. For the community to work tho, there is a need for a leader with clarity, who’d job may be to decide rather than to do…
For society to work there has to be organization within the differences, one man must be able to have the vision

Mars in Capricorn – a purposeful subtle energy; quiet and controlled way of looking at life; goal-oriented and future minded, they have their eyes on the star and go for it…
A controlled energy; almost wrapped to tight but they tend to get what they go after

In readings:
when this card comes out, it usually holds indications for the work environment- with the possibilities for both trouble and achievement. There is often in my experience a note of being watched (either in a being groomed or probationary type of way)
Often indicates work not going well. someone isn’t happy with job performance, usually this has to do with a job not enjoyed or just not working up to one’s best efforts…

Tarot Card of the Day – February 19 2010

Page (Princess of Wands)

In a dream, I met a youth who appeared to be about sixteen. Tall and sensual, i was never certain whether the youth was male and female. When I asked for a name I was told

“You may call me Kiln”

Kiln had beautiful cinnamon coloured hair and eyes that were the same perhaps redder. When beckoned, I followed as if I was a magnet being pulled towards its mate, gazing at the seductive sight before my eyes.

We walked to a forest with new growth spreading out all around us. As I looked in the distance a fire was consuming the older paths of the woods as quickly as the new replaced it. The forest was effectively recreating itself phoenix-like from its own ashes. I looked again at Kiln and I saw something I had missed before. Despite appearances, this being was eternal, ever-young ever-passionate, always burning and recreating the universe with every moment of their existence. Without asking or being told, I knew this was done out of love, both the creation and the destruction.

By the time we reached the centre of the woods, I knew that my heart and my very being was lost to Kiln. I yearned to be embraced, consumed and recreated. The object of my desire looked into my eyes and I fell, dissolved in ecstasy.
When I awoke, I had a wand in my hand. The wand was red bronze and wood with two golden dragons spiralling along its length. Atop the wand was a triangular ruby. Even now, when I gaze into this crystal that moment of union comes back to me and I transcend…

Page of Wands from The Quantum Tarot